© Anglican Religious Communities 1998
Isabel Losada has interviewed novices in a range of Anglican communities. It is hoped the work will
be published as a book. In the interviews, the sisters speak of their histories and hopes and the call to Religious
Life. In this edited extract, Sister Teresa Mary SSB shares her thoughts on her vocation and prayer. Sister
Teresa was a novice at the time of the interview in 1996. A year later, she took life vows in the Society of
the Sisters of Bethany.
My friends all thought it was quite natural that I should become a nun. But there was one group of people who
seemed totally amazed: that was those who went to my church. You would have expected them to be happy to hear that
I was going to dedicate my life to the God that they worship every Sunday. But they were all shocked. I remember
one woman saying, ‘what do you want to do that for?’
* * *
When I first visited the convent I had every intention of hating it. I thought I would see this bunch of miserable elderly nuns with their heads bowed saying the rosary. But people smiled and laughed and spoke to me and I couldn’t hate it at all.
* * *
I woke up one morning, and I don’t very often dream, but this particular morning I knew what I had dreamt.
I don’t know if people want to call it a dream or a vision, but I prefer to call it a dream, a powerful dream.
In it, I saw myself in a habit. I had never thought at all about joining a Religious Community. I assumed all nuns
were Roman Catholic.
I rang my Mum a week later and told her that I had come to a crossroads in life and didn’t know which way to
go next. She said, ‘I know what you are going to do. You are going to join a convent. You told me when you were
about eight years old and I always knew it would happen.’ I was amazed. I had no recollection of this. On the strength
of this I went to my priest to offer to become a Roman Catholic. He explained that this wasn’t necessary and I
was given a list of Anglican communities. I tried writing but tore up all my letters. The following day I went
to a day of prayer at Guildford Cathedral. While I was waiting for the rest of my parish to arrive, I saw a nun
and went bounding after her and said, ‘Excuse me, I think I want to be a nun.’ And it was Sister Elvina from the
Sisters of Bethany. She smiled and said she would meet me at lunchtime and that was how I came here.
The first day I came to the community, I saw the window frames were painted green, just like my grandad’s house.
The gardens were beautiful and it felt like I’d come home. In most Anglican communities, twenty-five is the minimum
age for taking life vows but this community does not have a minimum age of entry. I had my dream in February, met
Sister Elvina in April and in October I arrived. I was twenty-three.
* * *
I do not feel the presence of God twenty-four hours a day. However, it is a knowledge that God is there,
a knowledge that you can’t back up with logic. My prayer life is erratic and I don’t always have a wonderful experience
every time I pray. But I do have a prayer life. My way of describing prayer is that it is a communication with
God. It isn’t always a two-way conversation. God is always ready to listen to me. When I pray is the time when
I hope I listen. I pray twenty-four hours a day because I’m living for God, living with God. My specific times
of meditation are my quality one-to-one times. I aim to think nothing but God. But my concentration is still pretty
hopeless and if I hear a noise I will look to see where it has come from.
When I first came here, I had two half-hour sessions of meditation a day and I was lucky if I could keep still
for a minute. As for trying to concentrate for a half an hour, it was an absolute impossibility. I now get up earlier
than I have to in order to get one hour’s prayer in. I’m finding I’m more comfortable with the one-to-one relationship
with God. I still get angry with God and I have been known to throw a slipper in the direction of the crucifix
when I’m in my room. I use the worst unrepeatable language with God sometimes but if you love someone you feel
free to show all your emotions with them. I feel God should intervene more often. Far more often.
I use different forms of prayer. Sometimes I use a mantra, which is a verse or a word that you keep repeating
all the time, like alleluia. I also use the Orthodox rosary, the Catholic rosary, but most of the time I just sit.
There is a proverb from 5,000 BC that says, ‘The way to do is to be.’ This is what I’m learning: it is enough just
to be there for God. I don’t try to do anything or even be anything, and if a thought comes I just let it float
away. I’m just being, like a tree is just being. I don’t get a wonderful sensation every time – in fact it very
rarely happens – but when it does it re-affirms my beliefs. It is difficult to describe one of these special times.
It’s a bit like lying on a gigantic bean bag and you can make it comfortable in every position you want.
I have never heard a voice. God does not speak to me over a tannoy system. I feel God speaks to me through emotions
and feelings. I like to have a good cry. I do get angry but I don’t tend to do it in the presence of other people.
I usually wait until I can be alone with God. God speaks to me through my gut and through the working out of things.
* * *
There was the usual comment that I was running away from life to go to a convent. Of course, what people
don’t realize is that when you go to a convent you run slap-bang into yourself. Actually, there was nothing I was
running away from. I’d just been offered the job I wanted at the salary I wanted. And I suppose some people thought
that I must be thinking ‘I’m on the shelf, no-one is going to love me, so I’ll join the convent instead.’ But that
simply wasn’t true.
Some people say that I am missing out on the most important experience of life by not marrying and having a
sexual relationship. But, at the risk of sounding absurd, I’ve got God. Some people feel fulfilled in their job.
Some people, if they are Christians, feel that going to church once a week and saying their prayers is going to
fulfil their life. I don’t feel as if I’m missing out. I feel that I’m gaining and giving more than I ever did
before. I feel so free to be myself here.
It is important to say that there is no padlock on the door and no wall around the convent. If I did feel differently
in my late thirties and wanted to leave, it is the equivalent of a divorce and about as difficult where paperwork
and emotional upheaval are concerned, but there is no electric fence.
People say that it is an un-natural life and I totally agree. It is far more normal to get married and have
children. But God calls people to all walks of life. Jesus never married. He lived a life of celibacy, obedience
to his father God and a life of poverty. He said that he had nowhere to lay his head. Most people are called to
the ‘Adam and Eve’ life, where man is made for woman, and woman is made for man. But I’m very happy in this life.
I can relax and be me here so fully and I can have time with God. Before I came into community, I tried desperately
to have a disciplined spiritual life. I didn’t. I have very little self-discipline. In one way, if you want to
be a Christian and committed to your spirituality, Religious Life is a very easy option. You have a timetable.
You have help and discipline. You never have to worry about when and where to pray. I don’t have to make sixty
outgoing phone calls a day. If I don’t finish the work I have to do today, it doesn’t matter; I can do it tomorrow.
If I get way behind, someone will help me. If you are ill, the sisters look after you. If you have joyous news,
it is news they all enjoy. We don’t just share possessions, we share our lives. When my natural family go away,
they send a card to all of the sisters. Because my sisters have accepted my family so much, my family can accept
them.
The sisters don’t judge you at all. They don’t care if you get spots or get fat. They embrace you. You accept
that everyone has funny ways. Not only do we wear habits, but we may have irritating habits as well. But here it
doesn’t matter. You don’t have the worries of fashion, jobs, money or work, so you can free yourself to be with
God and pray on behalf of those people that do have worries.
You are free to be with God all the time.