A Note on Intimacy in the Religious Life

by Brother Alistair SSF

How can psychological concepts such as maturity and intimacy be discussed in relation to the Religious Life? In this article, Brother Alistair SSF, a clinical psychologist who works in Cambridge, UK, explores how psychological insight can be linked with a theological perspective in pursuing a stronger sense of community.

An honest job description for the Religious Life would probably include the phrase ‘must enjoy institutional living’. But one might also want to add the warning ‘should be able to endure times of loss and chronic loneliness’. In that we speak of ‘suffering loneliness’, a distinction should be made between this and the more obviously creative aloneless of solitude.
Are those in Religious Life more prone to loneliness than anyone else? Perhaps not. Nevertheless, we do so publicly assert our espousal of poverty, chastity and obedience that we may find few of the usual sources of distraction left to us beside those of overwork, the power politics of communal living or - joking apart - the cruel isolation of compulsive behaviours. Loneliness is a reality from which we must not shy; to deny it is to feed it. More importantly, the wellspring of our desire for God, hidden in the lesser desires of our craving for both physical and emotional love and intimacy, is most starkly manifest from within loneliness. To the extent that we can contemplate the depth of loneliness for a moment, we ache for intimacy, to find our true home. So the theme is ‘Intimacy in the Religious Life’ not loneliness.
Yet ‘intimacy’ is a very loaded word. But the question of our true relationship with God and with others is not trivial, and perhaps a fresh word that carries both the promise and danger of our project is no bad thing This mix of the psychological and the theological may be contentious. I would suggest that the psychological treatment of the human spirit and the theological workings of the Holy Spirit cannot be separated but neither, since one is a human understanding and the other of God, must they be confused.
The Latin root of intimacy intimus means inmost. In intimacy, a sharing of what is inmost, we expose ourselves, trusting that the other will more deeply accept and understand us. Intimacy is a process of reciprocal self-disclosure, mutual concern and care, and a participation in creating new meanings and bonds together. There are various aspects to intimacy - emotional, intellectual, physical - but all need not be pursued within a particular relationship for intimacy to develop. And the speed at which, and depth to which, intimacy can develop varies greatly within different relationships.
Intimacy within relationships meets the most fundamental of psychological needs. As social animals we are built to find a secure human base within a social world, and intimacies are the bonds which create this psychological security. But the impulse, the desire for intimacy does not guarantee the making, maintaining and deepening of our affectional bonds. The psychological forces impelling us are powerful and they must be engaged with carefully and with respect if they are not to become distorted and, at times, even destructive of the fabric of our community life. Most importantly, the sustained and slow growth of a true intimacy also necessarily involves a maturing towards a responsible psychological adulthood.